Bahunism Extended to Other Cultures and People - Analysis of Character and Physical Features as Templates

(Courtesy: Professor B. B.)

Paper-1

Ok, so the Bahunist code has now been articulated by Sano Baje (http://nepaliperspectives.blogspot.com/2007/03/bahunists-and-bahunism-mini.html). Here's his rap sheet on Bahunism: historical resentment bred from working as priests in palaces; a Svengaliness; gaining status through birth-right and perpetuating this system while talking righteously about equality and democracy; overall connivance - and all the while pretending to smell like a rose. But what does a Bahunist look like and can this look be used as a template to extend across other races and cultures?

The features of a Bahunist: a longish face, large fleshy ears, a large nose that can be sharp or bulbous, eye color ranging from hazel to almost blue, plenty of hair (back hair is a dead give-away), bushy eyebrows, and fair of skin - almost European in looks at times. Although this isn't universal, Baburam Bhattarai, for example, looks like a constipated ferret.

Having established the basic Bahunist look, remember that Sano Baje notes that not all Brahmins are Bahunists. Indeed, a janajati friend of mine, told me he called his Gurung friend a Bahun. But my interest is not in Nepali Bahunists using Sano Baje's template but to explore whether character and physical attributes can be applied to others using a totally scientific method - the kind of scientific method proposed by Marx and Engels and adopted by the great modern Nepali Scientific duo - Professors Prachanda and Baburam.

Being a Ph.D like Baburam and extremely intelligent like him, I've come up with an empirical scale that ranges from 0 to 10 with 10 representing the highest level of Bahunism while 0 represents a total lack of Bahunism. In this scientific scale, "looking like a Bahunist" carries somewhat more weight than "acting" like one.

Let's begin children.

Ian Martin, Head of UNMIN: Off the charts 10. Put a janai on him, yellow and red tika, and a white dhoti can you couldn't tell the difference. He'd be hired on-the-spot to do my son's Bartaman.

Daniel Lak, Columnist, Nepali Times: 9. He doesn't get a 10 because he sounds like he's babbling in his columns - Bahunists are more articulate. Seems also that he could eat a whole tin of ghee and several dozen puris in on sitting.

African Americans: 0. Yes ZERO. Brothers are the anti-thesis of Bahunism. Brothercool and Bahunism are like oil and water - they don't mix. Brothers are tooooo fly, no lie. But remember, Kofi Annan or any brother working for the UN doesn't count.

Chinese: 5. This is a tough one. Being hairless definitely moves them massively down the scale. But recent incidents in New York, where the owners of a Chinese restaurant was busted for handing out one menu for Chinese patrons and another for foreigners (with higher prices) is Bahunism gone wild. So the yin and the yang balance to give them a 5.

George Bush, President, United States: 0. Too stupid.

Patrick Leahy, US Senator, Vermont: 7. Yakked like crazy during King Gyanendra's moves and helped topple the buffoon King but now silent as a mouse when it comes to Maoist atrocities. Definitely, bartaman material.

Ambassador Moriarty, US Ambassador to Nepal: 0. Cowboys follow the brothercool effect - unless in movies like Brokeback Mountain.

Hillary Clinton, Candidate for US President: 6. She would be close to a 10 except for her husband who lowers her Bahunist score because of his propensity for dropping his pants on demand, offset only by the classic Bahunist "I did not have sex with that woman" claim.

Indian Ambassadors (all of them): 10. Need I say more here.

Ban Ki Moon, GS, United Nations: 0. If you eat dogs, you're bitulo, unholy and don't even rate.

Robert De Niro, actor, director, writer, producer: 0. C'mon, you talkin' to me.

Jack Nicholson, actor: 0. Not when you play a ruthless Irish King-like Don Frank Costello in the "The Departed" that wins Scorcese his long-awaited Oscar.

George Clooney, actor: 6. No one said Bahunists are ugly and lack charm, talent, and wit. He is a 6 only because of his looks - not because of his Svengaliness.

Howard K. Stern, self-alleged father of Anna N. Smith's daughter: 10 to 10th power (this, children, is what is known as an outlier in statistics). This guy is scum.

King/potentially ex-King Gyanendra: Null score. There's another scale for Royalists which will be posted shortly. In that scale, propensity for repeated self-inflicted wounds stemming from stupidity, hiring bad advisors, and the heavi-ness of one's jowls and overall looks will be key scoring factors.